This Wasn't In Training!
by pinky-pseudonym
Summary: Somthing in the depths of Zim's brain goes horribly, horribly wrong. Stuff happens, fruity stuff. Story's better then the summary? Let's hope so. ZADR there shall be. Chapter 5 now up (and you thought I forgot!)
1. An Unspeakable Horror Occurs

_A/N: I'm posting up a story yey! REALLY nervous to (so nervous I had to repost this in space of 2 minutes 3 times), been putting off posting this up for ages so please be gentle on me I know my writing and English skills are no good. The beginning is very, very bad. Please suffer through it as I promise it gets better I'm just a little creaky because I haven't done any writing for yoinks. Also a warning this will very, very likely contain **slash/ZADR etc**. if you don't like it press the back button now and pray for my damned soul or something._

Disclaimer: I'm only going to post this once. Invader Zim and all the characters here were created by Jhonen C. Vasquez and belong to Nickalodian [s/p?] and Viacom or something. Don't sue me stupid.

_Now enjoy..._

**The Wasn't In Training!**

Chapter One: An Unspeakable Horror Occurs

Gather round yon children and hear the story I have to tell. As hard it was to believe more then half a hideous decade had passed since Zim's glorious landing onto the planet known as 'Earth'. Over half a decade ago since he first came face to face with one little boy who would become his constant annoyance and arch nemesis, the one known as Dib. From that first day both had vowed to destroy one another. But rather miraculously, neither Zim nor Dib had succeeded, coming close a few times sure, but never finishing each other of once and for all. Also, though a little less miraculously neither was any closer to filling out their own set out missions (conquering the dirt ball known as Earth and putting that alien scum on the autopsy table, was Zim and Dib's respectively).

No, indeed little had changed at all really, no, it's true. Appearance wise Dib was the same big headed boy as always. Though, come puberty he had been through several growth spurts and was left with an un-comfortably lanky form causing him to become twice as clumsy as ever. On the plus side he did to look a little less then a human tadpole, not entirely, but somewhat, it was a step in the right direction at least.

Physically Zim had barely changed at all being that he was an adult Irken when he came. Wearing the same poor (INGENIOUS!!!) human disguise and continued to proudly march around in his tightly fit, pink and black invader's uniform. Strangely enough though Zim was pretty certain that he had somehow managed to grow a few inches taller since his arrival. Unfortunately that normally joyous occasion was heavily over-shadowed by the fact that the Dib worm now stood over one head taller then Zim. Over one freakishly large Dib head taller. And Dib, being the horrible stink-beast that he was, never let an opportunity pass when he couldn't rub that horrific fact right into the invaders face, knowing how much it infuriated him.

Mentally the changes between the two had also been few and far between. Though with many more years spent in skooling and doing his paranormal research, Dib had now a somewhat higher knowledgeable understanding in most things as well as a few earthly experiences under his belt. You could say the large headed boy had grown slightly more mature, slightly being the key word here.

Then there was Zim. If Dib's mentality growth had only been minimal, Zim's could only be described a minuscule, pathetic, minute etc. This of course was mainly due to the fact that Zim was only mildly; well, insane and seemed to have a rather severe listening problem. Some of it may have been due to the fact that as a smeet he had been dropped one too many times by the unfeeling robotic arms, but nobody really could say for certain the exact cause that lead to mangled bit of brain living inside the deranged being that was Zim.

So the Irken had remained exactly the same as he'd always been, if not slightly more bitter since failure after failure had begun to pile up in front of him. Well, he had been exactly the same until a few weeks ago...

For you see Zim had slowly (very slowly) began to notice strange and foreign sensations, seemingly out of nowhere. These sometimes squishy thoughts and feelings had become hitting him into the pit of his squeedly spooch [A/N: For some reason I had "spooge" written there instead, hehe yeah] and occasionally even pin-point themselves into the depths of what could only be described as an Irken equivalent of a heart. What was worse they seemed to be growing in severity and becoming increasingly harder to ignore.

Zim had first noticed this not two weeks ago while trying to find inspiration for his next truly ingenious plan that should destroy (or at least control) those filthy Earth pigs (that is the humans, not actual pigs, GIR wouldn't let anything happen to the pigs) once and for all. Constantly thinking of ingenious plans for 5 or 6 years straight would eventually leave you a little short of ideas, even for such a superior being as Zim. So this had the Invader struck with a slight case of evil genius block. But! Not to worry for he had quickly decided for the best course of action: to join GIR and mini moose on their information acquiring mission on the couch.

Finding his way into his living room/kitchen, Zim plopped himself down between the two and drew his eyes towards the screen.

"Sooo… whatchya watching?" Zim asked casually.

"We're watching this movie where all this stuffs happens and the aliens eat the babies and go 'WOO WOO!!'" Zim's malfunctioning S.I.R unit GIR shrieked in reply, his voice getting gradually louder as its sentence progressed.

"Ah, I see. Fascinating." Said Zim, already forgetting what it was exactly that GIR had blurted out.

The movie as expected was horrible, even by Earth standards. Such poor acting and even poorer special effects had normally Zim lying on the floor laughing and pointing at the pitiful excuses of spaceship models flying through their super imposed scenery on fishing wire. Yet, as Zim starred at the plastic spaceships and paper mache distant planets something inside his chest shifted uncomfortably and a hard lump formed its way into his throat. Suddenly thoughts of his years of training for the Armada, years as a military scientist and all that was left behind came flooding into him. It was a ... longing, hmm... something pulling unto his chest strings... _Dear Irk!_ Was the mighty Zim feeling 'home sick'?

That was enough for Zim's eyeballs to practically fly out his eye sockets. He jumped of the couch causing GIR to fall face down onto the floor ("HI FLOOR!" GIR yelped.).

Paying him no heed, Zim shook his head several times crossly before storming into the toilet. A cleverly disguised elevator waiting to take him down to the secret underground reigns of his base.

"Impossible! He muttered out loud. "Irken Invaders are not supposed to feel such feelies, we feel NOTHING!"

Zim shook his head once more, must have been that horrendous Earth food. He had been forced to intake some of it since his own superior food supply had been running low. He'd attempted on multiple occasions to contact his Tallest and request more snacks to be sent to his base but they always seemed extremely pre-occupied whenever he sent his transmission and didn't seem to even hear him. Ah, yes, he decided he needed to remind them again shortly. _TOO BUSY FOR ZIM?! _What was this madness...?

_I hope that wasn't too terrible, please review or something. Next chapter will come in a few days time._


	2. Like A Wormbaby Nightmare

_A/N: Big thanks to ShikamaruNoMiko, luver-of-ralts and Feimi for your kind reviews. This has made me brave enough to post Chapter 2, umm... yey._  
  
Chapter Two: Like A Wormbaby Nightmare  
  
Zim proudly marched down his Hi Skool corridors, had he had a nose it would be pointing towards the ceiling. He decided to post-pone his transmission to the Tallest just yet. Although never admitting it to himself, he was slightly ashamed over the fact that he made no progress in his mission in a number of months. Best wait until another ingenious plan came to him before calling.  
  
As the short Irken made his way to his first classroom of the day, the usual calls and snickers came from the other students as he passed them.  
  
"Nice dress FREAK!"  
  
"Make way for the cross-dressing munchkin!"  
  
"Eww!! He's all green like-like BOOGER!"  
  
Normally Zim wouldn't be likely to even hear let alone understand what exactly those other students were yelling at him. That day was no different in that respect except something about the tone of their voices suddenly got to him.  
  
He stopped stock still, unable to comprehend the strange twinge of pain in his chest. Physical yet... not. He shook his head coming to his senses and kept going.  
  
"What was I thinking? Effected by these inferior life form?!" Zim grunted, rather loudly, heading over to his first class of the day which happened to be Society and Culture. A very handy subject when trying to probe into the minds of the filthy beasts of which you are planning to have absolute rule over.  
  
Zim made his usual triumphant burst into the classroom, his eyes almost instantly meeting the glare of his arch nemesis. That wretched Dib-worm. Yes, Dib happened to be in Zim's S&C class, just as he happened to be in nearly _all_ of the little green man's classes. Zim suspected some meddling done on the human's part.  
  
The Irken "hmphed" loudly, turning his gaze from Dib and made his way to the centre desk in the front row. Still conscious of the same set of eyes watching his every move like some twisted hawk watching doom thing...  
  
Just then, Mr Foreskin the class teacher walked into the room and promptly began the day's lesson.  
  
Zim slumped boredly in his desk and turned his attention to the other side of the classroom. Starring at Dib, Zim squinted his eyes to help focus his raging hate. For some reason though as he did this he noticed another new sensationey and squeezyness coming from his insides thingy much like the one he felt in the corridor only moments before. Only this time the feeling thingies weren't so much as hurting, as well, pleasant.  
  
At this point Dib had turned to Zim's direction. Which Zim responded in promptly turning his head back to the front of the classroom suddenly fascinated at the long un-used blackboard.  
  
Dib raised an eyebrow slightly. 'He's up to something, I can sense it.' He thought ever suspiciously before turning back to his text book flipping open the page that had just been called out.  
  
The rest of the Skool day had gone unbearably slow for Zim, much more then usually so. He was having great difficulty shaking of these new discovered 'sensations' he was feeling towards the Dib and really the rest of his world. What was worse the more he thought about them, the stronger they became. What could all this mean? He never felt anything remotely like this before, not even to his Tallest. He needed to pin-point exactly where all these foreign squishy-ness was coming from (not just the feelings he got from the Dib but the ones plaguing him in general) and annihilate them. This was all very close to threatening his mind to wander away from the mission, and that was not an option.  
  
He pondered all this through all his classes and through lunch and now, last lesson of the day, he was in Biology he pondered some more.  
  
A practical lesson was going on around him. Some ridiculous work on the effects of some earth thing called photosynthesises which was just tampering with a bunch of leaves or something. A waste of time and something he left his two class mates who he was forced to do the experiment with to do all the work. Both girls, one he remembered from Elementary Skool, Gretchen or something, the other he didn't even bother to remember the name of. That's how it was all the students in the Skool, all expect the stink-beast himself Dib. But that wretched human was a different matter entirely.  
  
Ah yes, Dib-stink, Zim shifted his glance to the next table across him and surprise, surprise there was the head smell himself. He unlike Zim was actually participating in the futile experiments while his work partners were staring idly into space not doing a thing to help. Zim supposed all this was rather elementary even for Dib who had been probing in his father's labs since he was barely a fetus... well, not exactly a fetus but still...  
  
It had been an unusually warm day especially in the stuffy classroom so Dib had for a rare moment taken of his trench coat and left it hanging on his stool. This made his thin, lanky body more visible and struck Zim just how much the human had not only grown length wise but developed physically. Why, in such a short number of years the earth monkey had grown from but a mere smeet to almost a full grown human male. A very interesting process Zim had observed all the other students partake in as well, leaving the male and female gender more defined then in any other at least semi- intelligent species Zim had ever seen.  
  
How odd, Zim could almost swear that his face was going a little more hot and flushed as he watched the Dib-human swing his hips in a rather bored fashion, unsuspecting back facing the alien. As if on cue, Dib clumsily dropped a pen or something from the desk, promptly bending down to retrieve it. As Dib's rump unceremoniously stuck out and faced Zim (remembering his height, or lack of here) he found much to his own surprise what a very nice backside it was.  
  
This mystery pen that Dib was retrieving seemed to be stuck between the plastic tiles or something because he was defiantly taking his sweet time in standing back up. Which was all quite fine with Zim really, who was feeling ever more flushed and not just in his face-  
  
"_HEY LOOK EVERYBODY THE FREAKY GREEN KID'S GOT A BONER!!!_" A male voice yelled out from another end of the classroom.  
  
Zim jumped, that was said about him wasn't it? This word 'boner' he'd read of its meaning somewhere before something about- oh no _OH NO_... Zim gingerly looked down at his crotch area, it just couldn't be! Oh, but it was.  
  
"Ewww!! And he was looking at that freak Dib to!" Another voice cooed, female that time.  
  
The class burst into laughter and by this time Dib had stood up once more and was looking at Zim most mystified.  
  
It seemed the whole situation became very similar to some terrible worm- baby nightmare.  
  
It had all happened in number of seconds yet to Zim it seemed like an Earth hour. Without saying a word he blindly rushed out the classroom before more damaged could be caused.  
  
_Yeah I'm pretty evil. Review me please 3_  



	3. MiniMoose Knows All or very little

_ A/N: Phew, first day of work today and I'm pooped but with my last once of strength I bring you chapter 3. Now I pass out. Oh yes, I'm sorry I was so mean to Zim, you know I only do it because I love him .....and you ;) Thankyou for everyone that reviewed! You guys made me so happy   
  
_

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**Chapter Three: Mini Moose knows all (or very little)**  
  
Zim ran outside to the empty playground panting loudly. The foreign bludge that made its way into his pants had long since subsided. That's it. No more delays. As soon as he was back in his base he would get to the root of this little problem.  
  
"GIR! Take me back to my base NOW!" Zim yelled into his communicator.  
  
"Yes! My lord!" A little GIR on his screen screeched in reply temporally now on red duty mode.  
  
Not so much as a minute passed before GIR came flying into view wearing his green dog disguise. Pausing just long enough for Zim to hop on and fly them both back to their eerie green dwelling.  
  
Mini Moose came floating into the kitchen as GIR and Zim arrived through the front door. He squeaked happily at the two a little drool dripping from his chin and falling onto the floor.  
  
'Oh Irk, why do my inventions always end up drooling?' Zim began to rub his temples, but this was the least of his concerns right now.  
  
"Aww... What's ta' matter master? You look saaaaad." GIR chirped in a sing- song voice.  
  
"Eh?" Zim looked down at GIR as if being broken of from thought. "Oh, nothing, nothing. I've just been experiencing some odd sensations lately. From what I've gathered so far there seems to have been some sort of malfunction in my PAK causing a chemical imbalance in my superior Irken brain." He wiggled his fingers as he said the word 'brain'.  
  
Mini Moose looked at Zim curiously. "Squeak?" It asked.  
  
"Well, it seems that I have become a lot more prone to ah..." He paused searching for the word, "_emotions_ as of late, but nothing that can't be fixed again with some of my superior Irken technology of course."  
  
"Oh... I didn't know emotion thingies were baaaad?" GIR said with a silly grin on his face.  
  
"Oh yes, yes, they're _terrible_, treacherous things! Invaders need no such things! That's why our PAK's get rid of all those nasty interferences for us."  
  
"Squeak?"  
  
"What? No! That's it foolish minions this conversation is over!"  
  
With that Zim marched out of the living room, through the kitchen and down the rubbish bin elevator. He needed to get this little problem of his fixed and soon. It was getting all very over-whelming right now, better to just ignore the problem and stick to a focus point.  
  
Zim absently pulled off his wig and contacts and threw them to the side as he reached his desired level. Oh this poison in his mind, that's what it was, /poison/. Attacking him and leaving him vulnerable to all. Those so- called loyal minions of his weren't helping his situation either. Ah no matter, once he could find the exact root of the problem it would be easy to fix.  
  
"Computer! Run a scan on my hormonal and physiological control output system." The Irken ordered a large purple hewed screen in front of him.  
  
Zim's computer groaned. "Do I have to?"  
  
"Yes. Now hurry before I send GIR in to- to do something to you."  
  
Without another word said two large metallic pipes came out from behind and inserted themselves into Zim's PAK. He winced a tad though it didn't hurt him; just the feeling was rather intrusive and therefore unpleasant. The data came soon enough and presented itself on the screen. The two pipes silently unhooked themselves and retreated as Zim scanned through the data.  
  
"Hmm... yes, yes... good." He muttered to himself, his eyes inspecting the Irken symbols across the screen. "Ahuh... hmm... wait a minute... wait a minute! Right there! One of the mental filters is down by 76%!!" He gawked at this, no wonder he was feeling so overwhelmed by these "emotions" the very thing in his PAK that was meant to stop this distraction had gone completely hay-wire.  
  
"Com-_pyoo_-ter!" Zim shouted. "Fix this at once!"  
  
"Fine..." The machine groaned unenthusiastically in response.  
  
Some more crazy contraptions came from the wall and all rammed themselves into Zim's PAK, pulling him up a few feet above the ground while doing so. After a couple of seconds the computer spoke again this time in it's' more mechanical voice.  
  
"Insufficient material for completion of operation." It stated, pure and simple.  
  
The wires and machinery had promptly released themselves off Zim leaving him to fall with a 'thud' onto the floor.  
  
"What?! Are you saying you can't repair this?!" Zim fumed.  
  
"Not unless we had the adequate materials sent in."  
  
"Time to call the Tallest for supplies then. They must be getting worried anyway; it has been quite a while since my last call."  
  
"Uh, sir, I don't think-"  
  
"SILENCE! Can't you see I'm busy making a connection? It's been getting a lot harder ever since they put all those firewalls there, I guess they just love giving Zim challenges." He stated lovingly as he typed feverishly unto the keys.  
  
Soon enough the screen was engulfed by the figures, one in purple the other in red [A/N: Gee... I wonder who?]. They looked at Zim dully while engorging in their various snack foods.  
  
"Greetings my Tallest! What awhile it has been."  
  
"Hmm... not long enough." Red muttered under his breathe.  
  
"Heya Zim. How's the invasion coming along?" Purple asked smugly, Red tried to contain his giggles.  
  
"Uh-GREAT! You can be ready to call the Armada any time now! Oh yes." Zim shuffled his feet. "But that is not why I call. It seems my PAK has been malfunctioning and I need to have supplies sent in to repair it."  
  
"Zim." Red heaved. "We've been through this before we can't send you anything because big orange and blue poka dotted demons will come attack and destroy us all!" Purple and Red had made this up a few transmissions ago to stop Zim from demanding more supplies, it hadn't worked very well but they decided to stick with their story.  
  
"Plus we need stuff to. You ever think about us Zim? Huh? Huh?" Purple whined before stuffing another doughnut into his gob.  
  
"Why, all the time my Tallest." Zim replied in such a way that it made a chill run up both his leader's spines. "But really it is an emergency this time! One of my mental hormone filter thingies is barely working; my brain is being over ridden by these terrible emotioney feely thingies..." He wiggled his fingers to accentuate his disgust. "My entire mission will become in jeopardy with these horrible side-tracks."  
  
Red and Purple mumbled quietly between each other for a minute then turned back to the screen a more satisfied look on both their faces. Purple smirked and started up again.  
  
"Look Zim, we'll try and get those supplies that you asked for. But uh- it may take a little while to get them for you-"  
  
"But don't call or anything because then it would only take us longer!" Red promptly interrupted.  
  
"Yes! That's right! And don't bother coming here to get the material yourself because-"  
  
"Big scary orange and blue poka dotted demons will come and destroy us all. And no not even you can stop them. Kay gotta go now bye!"  
  
With that the transmission was promptly cut off leaving Zim to his disturbed and troubled thoughts.  
  
'They just cut me off. Just like that? Not even a 'goodbye'?' The even more illogical part of his mind seemed to whimper. Zim's lip quivered and Zim's eyes watered but no tears yet had a chance to spill. He snapped back. "Argh! Madness!"  
  
Zim slumped himself down onto one of the many alien chairs and chose to brood once more in thought. What had happened to him back in that Biology class? That strange rush or something, oh Irk he didn't want to think about it.  
  
It was all that horrible Dib beast's fault! That horrible, stinky, gorgeous Dib human... with his hideous, wondrous tight butt cheeks and –  
  
What's this? The bludge in his pants had returned! Zim fumed. How dare his body not obey its mighty master Zim?!  
  
"I'll shove that hideous beast back where it belongs!" Zim howled obviously referring to his mighty Irken manhood. Without thinking so far ahead Zim pushed all his frustration into a tight little ball that was his mighty fist and slammed it into the pit of his crotch with all his strength regretting it the split second of impact.  
  
"YAaaaAAaaarrRRrrrGGHhhh!!" He wailed something towards that extent. He toppled to the ground both his hands groping his pulsating groin. "Ow. Ow. Ow..." He whimpered.  
  
Okay, so he didn't think that one through, but at least it got his mind off those terrible urges he had of doing horrible, disgusting and indecent things to a certain someone and his member seemed to have slid back into it's designated sheath like area. Damn, until that afternoon he didn't even know he had one of those. Foolish inferior Irken breeders should have genetically got rid of these primitive organs centuries ago!  
  
"What madness... we never went through this in training!"  
  
He thought back for a second, no maybe they had and he hadn't been paying attention. No, they hadn't, he defiantly would've remember something like that! Zim pulled himself up a bit once the sharp pain had a subdued into a tired throb. He decided to sit on the floor for awhile resting his head upon the cold metal surface of one of his lab walls.  
  
He hadn't had too long to collect his thoughts before a familiar purple blob floated in his direction. Its' ever present grin widened when it saw its' master and floated its' way before him.  
  
"Squeak?" Mini Moose asked.  
  
"Ah, not as brilliant as I hoped Mini Moose. It seems the Tallest are being plagued by a big scary demon and are unable to for fill my request straight away. They must be so sad."  
  
"Squeak?"  
  
"What do you mean I should live with it like the humans?" Zim hissed. "I am nothing like those horrible smelly stink beasts! Just the thought that you can even think to compare me to them sickens me."  
  
This conversation went on for another 10 minutes or so with Mini Moose doing all he could to make his despairing master feel better. Unfortunately master had a little bit of a problem with listening to reason or anything at all really but the little moose did try.  
  
"But of course! I will simply follow the Dib-beast around until my hideous desires have settled! Then I shall be back to my normal working condition and be able to fully concentrate on my mission." Zim proclaimed. He got up and triumphantly marched out of the spooky room feeling better already.  
  
"Squeak?" Chirped Mini Moose wondering how their conversation about beetroot had anything to do with what his master had just said.

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_Zim is silly ;P I hope that didn't make your eyes bleed. Yup, review please, I like reviews better __then eating fresh pink babies! wipes off drool_


	4. Run Dib Run

_A/N: Oops, sorry about the delay. I have no real excuse except that I've been drooling in front of the computer screen instead of finishing this little horror of mine. This chapter features Gaz and lots more Dib. Good yes? Once again a big thanks to all my reviews so far, you guys are awesome :thumbsup:_

Chapter Four: Run Dib Run

As like every other day Dib and Gaz had a whole table to themselves at Recess the following morning. Gaz had brought her own food from home, not trusting the slivering organisms called 'food' that was given to them while Dib sat with his School brought 'snack' poking it with his spork while talking about some stupid crap, again. Gaz growled trying warn her clue-less brother as she pulled herself even closer to the book she reading.

"He's planning something Gaz!" Said the clue-less brother, waving his spork about in excitement a little piece of this 'food' that attached to the spork had become air born and hit the demonic sister right in the cheek, not good. "I know it! Something... sick and horrible! Man, you should've seen the stunt he pulled yesterday in Bio-"

"Dib," Gaz breathed, interrupting him and trying to keep her voice as level as possible. "I am not kidding, you make one more mention Zim or anything else and I'm going to rip your fucking tongue out with my hands Dib, with my bare hands."

So it was that the frightening being known as 'Gaz' had become ever more darker and spookier with each passing year, a true demon on earth if ever there was one.

"You should've seen what Zim was doing!" Dib went on not seeming to notice his spooky sibling's threat and the even louder growl escaping her jaws now. Actually he wasn't all that sure what exactly Zim was planning or doing yesterday. It had happened so quickly he barely noticed Zim running out of the classroom. And what the other students were saying to him, it really did spook him out, Zim must've put some sort of mind controlling device on all of them to freak Dib out. Well surely Zim must've under estimated that he was dealing with the future leading paranormal scientist and the alien's plan failed to work it the slightest. Yep, this sure didn't affect him in the slightest. He would've dealt with Zim sooner only he had to miss his first three classes before lunch due to some unsettledness in his stomach, but that wasn't his fault you know?

Dib was so busy thinking and talking about how the whole incident didn't affect him that he didn't notice the dark shadow that loomed over him, a dark, sinister looking shadow holding a lunch tray.

"Heya _Dib_." It hissed interrupting the Dib mid-sentence. Dib gave a high pitched scream as he fell off his seat. Gaz gave one of her rare grins.

"_Zim_." He spat out, making his land on the floor as casual as possible lest he show weakness in front of his enemy. "What are you doing here?"

"Oh nothing, nothing, can't a normal human wormbaby like myself socialise with the other horrible stink beasts around him?" Zim replied as innocently as he could. "Is this seat taken?" Before Dib had a chance to reply Zim sat himself down right next where Dib had managed to crawl back up only seconds before. Zim turned to Dib and starred at his general direction, his eyes running up and done the boy thin boy's body.

A moment passed in silence, then another. Dib eyed Zim suspiciously.

"If you think you're going to get any information out of me you've got another thing coming Space Boy!" The Earth boy mumbled out a little more loudly and forced then he wanted to.

Zim didn't reply and simply continued to stare at Dib ever intently making him even more suspicious.

"Zim, are you listening to me?" Not that was practically usual for the little green man but Dib couldn't think of anything to say at that moment and he felt he needed to say something. That creepy alien seemed entranced by something or something.

"Zim?"

"..."

"ZIM?"

"..."

"**_ZIM_**!?" Dib bellowed at the top of his lungs. Luckily due to the high noise volume already going on in the crowded cafeteria his screams went mostly un-noticed with only the first 3 desks around him turning around to stare, although it seemed enough to rouse Zim out of his trance.

"Hmm? Yes, what is it?" He mumbled sluggishly.

"Did you hear me before? I said-"

"Oh yes, yes that's great." Zim waved his gloved hand dismissively. "Say Dib-monster, could you turn around and bend over for a minute?"

This time it was Dib who was doing the starring. Searching for something on Zim's face that would jump up to him and yell something along the lines of 'HA! HA! I fooled you Dib-beast! My plans to mess with your head have succeeded!'. Not finding that something, he stood up silently and sprinted out of the room.

"Dib-human! Come back! I'm not finished with you yet!" Zim yelled to the back of Dib's trench coat.

The ever determined Zim got up hastily, amazingly having the sense to take enough care as to not even fling one of the scary Dib sister's hairs out of place and took off after him. Finally Gaz was left alone to her peace.

"Freaks." She hissed to no one in particular.

All the while Dib had managed to stumble his way outside and was running through the playground, vaguely aware that he would most certainly get detention for leaving the lunchroom early but not caring all the same.

The hell? Wasn't it supposed to be him chasing Zim and not vice versa? This whole sudden extra strangeness from the alien had both scared and confused the tormented earth boy. For once confronting Zim about his behaviour wasn't something that he wanted particularly to engage in. As Dib swam in his gooey thoughts inside his so-called over-sized head, he failed to notice a spooky green figure popping up straight in front of him. That is until he ran smack into to it.

Instead of the expected shouting and yelling that would've come from green one on any normal day, it managed to quickly recover its posture and look up directly at Dib.

"Hiya Dib-beast!" Zim sneered at him, his sinister grin growing ever wider despite the strain that his superior Irken neck had to face in order for his violet contacts to meet with the Dib's own petty eyeballs.

Dib stifled a scream.

"Zim! You, what, how d-did you get- so fast-and- not- before- uh..." Was all he could manage to mumble out, feeling both out of breath and brain smacked.

Zim gave him a look bordering on disgust.

"As usual your sense maker makes none of it!" He stated smugly. Dib would've scratched his head in confusion had he not been so used to Zim's somewhat unusual dialect. "But enough of this! Come now, there is no time for your physical exercise we must get back to class where we shall bask in pathetic earth knowledge together since you're in every one of Zim's classes."

With that said he grabbed Dib rather painfully by the wrist and dragged the bemused young man towards the Skool building. Dib coming quickly back to his senses started pulling and tugging for his arm back, all the while expressing a ton of angry protests. For his petite and rather weak looking frame Zim was surprisingly strong, many times stronger then poor, weak Dib at any rate.

The end of the lunch bell had just happened to ring as the two made their way back into the delightfully shabby Hi Skool. A turn to the left, then right, then right again led them into their designated classroom for that period. Zim's grip seemed to loosen momentarily as they stepped into the classroom and Dib used the opportunity to pull back his now aching wrist from the mighty grasp of Zim. Then without looking back he made a mad dash to the other end of the classroom (only knocking over a few desks and bitchy students along the way) and rather ungracefully sat himself down at his usual desk in the corner.

Stretching out his tried limbs on his lonely desk Dib let out an over-dramatic sigh. He pulled off his glasses placing them on the desk and rubbed the ridge on his nose as he attempted to piece his jumbled thoughts together. Strange, it was almost as if someone was breathing hot air down his neck... and rather loud breathing to go with it...

Ever so slowly turning his head to the direction of the rather heavy breathing Dib found himself once again face to face to with Zim. A fixated stare was on the alien making his eyes bludging out more then usual.

'Okay... this is getting spooky.'

Dib turned to the front of the class where the teacher had just come in and was shuffling through her notes. He waved his left hand franticly in the air hoping to get the teacher's attention as soon as humanly possible.

She noticed soon enough and let out an exhausted sigh.

"Yes Dib, what is it now?"

Dib was a well known problem child and reputation went with him where ever he seemed to go.

"Miss Spleen?" Said Dib, for that was her name. "I'm not feeling very well right now, uh... a terrible toe infection I think... could I go see the nurse?"

Another exasperated sigh escaped Miss Spleen.

"Very well, put on the Hall Pass and take a bucket with you lest you spill out your lunch unto our Skool floors."

Dib nodded thankfully. He pushed himself of his chair, attached the Hall Pass on his neck before Miss Spleen had a chance to do so and headed out the door.

"Don't forget the bucket!" shouted Miss Spleen.

Dib re-appeared from the doorway, quickly pulling the smelly mop from the metal bucket at his closest corner and ran out the door again.

Zim panicked. That sneaky Dib had managed to make himself scarce from him again. Why must he always ruin Zim's mighty plans!? Zim got up on his chair and waved both him arms about in the air [like he just didn't care, no, wait, scrap that].

"Teacher woman! Teacher woman! Zim is uh- very sick to. I must go to the nurse as well, yes."

"Sit /down/ Zim. You know about my rule of only having one student absent from the class at a time." He didn't. "Now open your textbook and go on memorising chapters 5 through 9, while I flick through this lifestyle magazine."

* * *

_I'm not very good at coming up with names... feed the review monster? He is hungry for braaaaaains =)_


	5. Small Mushroom Cloud Ahead

_A/N: Eek! Another horribly long delay! My excuse? I get very easily distracted and spend all my time on the computer drawing instead of typing out my stories (they're all in my notebooks you see). But look! I made the chapter lots longer to make up for it! _

_Another big poop is that this might be very well incredibly OOC and shite because I'm trying to de-virginise myself as I order my Zim DVDs (I have to order them online and I didn't have a DVD player that played American DVDs so I had to wait and blah-blah-blah) and not watch the show as obsessively as I do so I apologise in advance um yeah. _

Chapter Five: Mini-Mushroom Cloud Ahead

Dib listened to the clanging of his boots against the hard surface of the plastic tiled floor as he walked through an empty Skool hallway. He was fresh from his after-Skool detention after running out of the cafeteria that morning.

He had stayed the maximum amount of time at the nurse's office which was only one lesson. Dib had told them a whole bunch of bologna about a sore elbow (he'd forgotten about his toe story) and they seemed to buy it.

The rest of the day though was spent trying to avoid Zim's madness, which he wasn't making a too bad a job of. Though at the back of his mind he found himself more then a little ashamed of his actions, the world's only hope from being saved from a deranged alien menace was running away from the said alien because he had looked at him funny. Why was it that it bothered him so? Oh he knew why, though he would never admit.

Dib's incredibly boring and stupid musings were put to a halt as he approached his locker, he fiddled with the combination before it swung open and a few text books fell onto the floor.

"Hmm... perhaps I should clean my locker out... later."

He bent down to pick up the books distracted and not noticing anything behind him. As he pulled himself up with a handful of disorganised, educational Skool book mess he got a nasty loud shock in his right ear.

"HI DIB!!" Something yelled quite loudly in said ear.

Dib gave a girlish yelp and hit his head on top of his locker door.

"Ow! _Zim_!" Dib hissed, rubbing his sore cranium. "You waited after Skool just to yell at me?"

"Yup!" Zim proclaimed a proud expression across his face, which quickly turned to annoyance. "Stop running away from Zim human! It is beginning to tire my amazing patience and you do not want to know what happens when my amazing patience gets tired!" He looked at the abandoned locker for a moment, the swinging door looked like it was plotting against him, that horrible door... before realising that Dib must've took off while he was ranting. The pure nerve of that beast! But no matter, Zim would find him!

Dib ran without looking back in the direction of his dwelling which luckily wasn't incredibly far from his Hi Skool. The front yard quickly approaching him, he flung front door open. Dib ran inside slamming the door behind him.

In an unusually rare occurrence Professor Membrane was home that day sitting comfortably in his amazing couch. His father looked up from the conversation he was having with the official Professor Membrane Hand Puppet™ and greeted his son.

"Hello son!" Said he. "Your little foreign friend came in a little while back asking for you. Where did you say he was from again?"

"Zim?!" Dib gasped. _How the hell did he get here so fast?!_ "Dad I told you he's an alien! And he's not my friend!"

His father shook his head sadly.

"Not your friend? Oh son, if you're a homosexual you can tell me!"

"What?! Argh no! You think Zim's my-?" Dib squeaked. "Just tell him I'm not here if he comes back." He yelled this as he ran up the stairs to his bed room, loudly slamming the door.

Membrane shook his head sadly once more before returning his attention back to the puppet. "No, no Professor Spandex your theory about spontaneous combustion is all wrong!" He said to the sock.

* * *

Dib gave a melodramatic sigh and plopped on his bed. He pulled off his glasses and rubbed his temples to try and diminish his headache, something that had become a lot more frequent since Zim moved in the neighbourhood. 

Unfortunately Dib's moment of rest was short lived by the insistent ring of the telephone. He waited for five rings before yelling "Is anybody going to get that?!" after not getting a reply and another six rings later Dib reluctantly got out of bed and went to answer the nearest telephone.

"Hello?" Said Dib into the receiver.

The only reply on the other line was rather heavy breathing.

Dib raised an eyebrow. "Uh, anybody there?"

The heavy breather on the other line stayed silent. Dib rolled his eyes.

"Zim I know it's you! It's not funny, so give it up!" With that he abruptly hung up.

A few seconds later the thought came to him that perhaps it wasn't Zim after all. For starters the little green alien didn't even know how to use a phone, and why would he? The traditional voice only telephone hadn't been used in years and was taken over completely by the picture phone which ran on an entirely different system. The only reason they had an old telephone at home was because of its camp value, that and the occasional phone call from crazy old Uncle Albert.

It probably was crazy old Uncle Albert considering he hadn't spoken since they cut out his tongue back in ... some war place. Dib could've smacked himself for letting Zim consume his thoughts so much. He needed some fresh air perhaps.

"Gaz, Dad, I'm going out!" He yelled more out of formality then anything else before running out the door.

* * *

The fresh air smacked Dib painfully on the face. Somehow it had gotten mighty windy since the time he ran home, maybe he just didn't notice before hand, you know, with all his denial and running away and all. 

He suppressed a shiver and dug his hands deep within his fab-tas-tic trench coat pockets. At least his coat wouldn't go off and _change_ on him.

Just then, Dib's trench coat turned a bright magenta.

Dib blinked, probably a lot less surprised then he should've been and gave an exasperated sigh.

"God damn it!" He moaned. "That's it! I give up! Go on Zim, tell me what you're doing, I'm listening." Dib spoke to the rose bush on his right.

The rose bush shifted a little before a green head wearing a tacky 1950's wig popped out.

"How'd you know I was there?" Zim asked, genuinely surprised.

Dib seemed to ignore that comment.

"I want answers _Zim_. What the hell is going on with you? You've been acting a lot weirder then usual, not just the obsessive stalking. What was up with you during that movie in French? You looked like you were going to cry!" Dib looked a little scared at the very idea.

"LIES! I simply had... something in my eye." Zim scoffed, though he felt his insides churn a little at the thought of that poor little fu-fu dog falling into that evil river of water and- NO! He was a solider not an emotionay crying thingy thing... "Zim was uh- pretending to be an earth duck! Yes!" He proclaimed after much consideration.

"Zim that was _terrible_, even for you." Dib sounded almost concerned.

"Fine, fine, the emotional output in my PAK is malfunctioning." Zim said much quicker this time.

The boy before him snorted.

"Some superior race if the little life support system on your back breaks for no apparent reason."

"SILENCE YOUR NOISE HOLE!" Zim screeched. Dib tried not to grin.

"Anyway, I still don't see what this has to do with you following me around everywhere and acting well... like Keef." An involuntary shudder escaped both of them at the remembrance of that disturbed little red head; damn that kid had some serious issues.

Zim got over his nausea soon enough and looked at Dib frustrated that the foolish earth creature wasn't a mind reader.

"_Because_ when Zim is around your horrible self I feel... interesting and my squeedly spooch feels all fluttery like I'm going to regurgitate my delicious snacks only... not." Zim scratched his wig, a perplexed expression upon his green face. For even he realized what he just said failed to make any logical sense. It also dawned on him that he had completely forgotten why he was stalking Dib in the first place. It was something ingenious for sure though. This forgetfulness seemed happened often when he got over-excited at the process of his wonderful plans. Of course he'd never admit that to the Dib though.

Speaking of which that stink-beast seemed to be looking at him rather sceptically.

"So you're saying I make you want to throw up but not?" Dib sounded just as confused by Zim's words as the little alien was himself. Still an outrageous idea had begun to bubble away in his abnormally large skull.

Without even really thinking about what he was doing, Dib took a step closer and bent his spine a tad to be more in line with Zim's eye level.

Zim took in a sharp breath.

"Yes, and seem to cause my blood pumping organ that pumps my superior Irken blood to work faster. So now I'm uh- doing _research_" Yes Zim brilliant! "-on these thingies and-"

Zim's jumbled words that we meant to be convincing both him and Dib were cut short by Dib's mouth quite suddenly over his own.

Zim went stock still; he felt a sudden rush of hot and cold run through his tiny green body; all semi-coherent thoughts going to a standstill. Somewhere though he recalled seeing and reading about this human ritual. Humans did this when showing _affection_?

The Dib's mouth seemed to be doing some sort of sucky massaging movement over his own while pulling Zim's scrawny little body closer to his own. For once Zim obeyed and did the same.

That was when Dib's saliva entered his own mouth, an acute sensation. Despite it's rather high water content the strange goo didn't burn his mouth, rather brought a sweet and tingly taste that lined his oral cavity. Oddly enough Zim's own alien salver was having the same effect on Dib. So perfect it was, like a poorly written fan fiction a/n: cough.

Dib was the one that pulled back first. Though it had only been no longer then a couple of minutes it seemed like a life time to the two of them, or some goo.

Zim starred up in a daze licking the roof of his mouth and enjoying the taste despite himself.

"W-what was that?"

"Uh... it's called a kiss?" Dib replied, his answer sounding like a question. Zim noticed with some curiosity that the boy's normally pale complexion had funny red splodges on his cheeks.

"'Kiss'? Zim likes this 'kiss'!" The one who speaks in third person replied; a sinister looking smile crept up to his face. "Let's do it again!"

Dib had time to give a goofy grin like the under sexed teenager that he was when Zim grabbed the back of his head and pulled into another sloppy smooch. Dib decided to push his luck even further with Zim's eagerness by pushing his tongue into the alien's gob. Zim reacted welcomely enough though he seemed even more lost now at what his role in this whole ... exercise was.

After much slobber exchange and down right mushy passion the pair broke off.

Zim strained his neck to look back up at the Dib creature he'd so happily glomped (well kinda) only moments before. Feeling so over-whelmed by emotion, his eyes, they stung! Watery eye substance glazed over his contact covered eyes.

Dib's eyes grew to the size of two space saucers at the site.

"Zim" He said. "Are you... crying?"

"NO! I mean, I don't know. It's just-"Zim sniffed (Dib wondered how you could without a visible nose), two crocodile tears sprang forth from his eyes and rolled down his green cheeks. "-So emotional-"He sniffed again. "-all these Earth years-"By then he couldn't contain his mighty Irken self any longer and burst into loud and overly melodramatic sobs.

Dib starred at Zim, clearly dumbstruck. One eyebrow had gone up so high that if it went any higher it would join his hair line and that would be just plain creepy.

"Woah, you weren't kidding about that emotion controlling thingy being broken."

Zim's cries subsided for a moment as he now remembered that his superior PAK was malfunctioning and went into even louder howls and cries because of it. Truth be known a part of him was almost grateful that the superior Irken back technology hadn't been working but, damnit now was the time to cry! Who could say? Perhaps the alien menace was just letting out 176 years worth (Zim's age in Earth years#) of eye juices.

Dib continued being stunned. Nowhere, not in his wildest dreams could he imagine Zim to behave like this. Having no one but a demonic sister to punch him in the shins and an obsessive compulsive father to pat him on the head and talk of REAL science for comfort when he cried like a little girl, Dib wasn't incredibly skilled at these types of _emotional _moments.

"Jeez Zim get a grip!" He managed to say but that only caused the Irken to wail even louder, if that were even possible at this stage.

Timidly moving forward Dib put out a trembling hand and patted Zim on the shoulder. Without getting any response from that, Dib wrapped both his arms around the sobbing green heap.

Almost instantly Zim's tragic weeping ceased, he nuzzled his head in the crook of Dib's arm rather cheerfully.

"Mmmm... you smell like slaughtered cow." He purred, most likely referring to Dib's colour changing trench coat (it had somehow gone back to black quite thankfully), seconds later though remembering himself. "I mean, get off! Don't touch Zim pig smelly!" He cried pushing himself away from the foul human, his sorrows were completely forgotten.

"Don't touch you? You kissed me! And well- I kissed you first, but you kissed me back!" Dib didn't like how stupid that sentence came out.

"SILENCE! That's completely different!" Zim proudly proclaimed.

"What? Explain how!"

Before the two could get into another infamous argument that they both seems so much to enjoy, a loud but distant explosion followed by a mini-mushroom cloud both came from the direction of Zim's 'house'.

"Oh no! I knew I shouldn't have left GIR alone for so long! What has that incompetent fool done now?!" Zim slapped his left hand on his forehead. "I better go inspect what kind of destruction he has caused this time." He said with a sigh. Zim shuffled his feet uncomfortably. "So... uh- I'll see you later human."

Without giving into second thought (which was kinda the norm for him anyway) Zim stood on his tipsy toes and gave Dib a quick peck on the cheek. Before Dib had a chance to respond, Zim turned on his heel and ran off in the direction of the smoking havoc that was his beautiful base.

Dib watched Zim's quirky little silhouette disappear into the distance before checking his wrist watch and realising, to his up most horror, that the new Mysterious Mysteries of Great Mystery episode was about to start. Knowing that the chances of Gaz taping it for him were as low her giving him her last piece of candy, Dib made a mad dash in the direction of his own house, hoping he wouldn't miss anymore then the opening credits.

And as the two ran off to their own matter of urgency a great sappy grin was plastered on each of their faces.

* * *

#This obsessive fangirl's rough estimate, probably incredibly far off. 

_You can see how terrible I am with romance and mush now! Once again I hope that didn't make your eyes bleed. There will only be one, maybe two chapters after this one depends how long I make them. Please review and make me a happy bunny _


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